*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
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Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER