Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

every olympics i turn into this guy

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)