I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
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me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Snapes on a plane.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself