@Contwixt

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

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@HomeWithPeanut

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

@MattarWendtar

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

@murrman5

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

@BGH70

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

@3sunzzz

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

@lemonmartinis

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

@TheHyyyype

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

@actualhuman01

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

@AdderallMomma

–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?

Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.