Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

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Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.


That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.


[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?


If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.


Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.


I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.


flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”


her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too


–Wanna go rubbing in the park tomorrow with me?

Thanks auto correct, this is why I can’t have nice friends.