Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
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Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.