Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
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I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad