@bobvulfov: me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
@Nikkeya08: Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
@WarrenHolstein: Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years' hobo costume to dress up as this year's federal employee.
@trevso_electric: The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter.
@mahatmatweeter: I've been trying to eat healthier so I ate a vegetarian.
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