Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce