@bobvulfov: me (googling): sexy green m&m fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

@Nikkeya08: Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips. Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic. Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

@WarrenHolstein: Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years' hobo costume to dress up as this year's federal employee.

@trevso_electric: The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter.

@mahatmatweeter: I've been trying to eat healthier so I ate a vegetarian.