Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …