gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
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I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.