@ThugRaccoons

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

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@continentlbkfst

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

@AndyAsAdjective

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

@panmidwest

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

@JoeBerkowitz

I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.

@Vodkantots

Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?

@Grrdno

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

@Mardigroan

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

@RandiLawson

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

@Gupton68

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.