[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
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You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago