date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
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Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me: to what?
I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Me: When someone says you’re “cool as shit,” why is that a compliment?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.