Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

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100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree


Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”


Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks


All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.


Whenever I see a flock of wild turkeys I engage them in conversation to learn of their history and oral tradition (they keep no recognizable written record). Unsurprisingly they have strong opinions about the pilgrims but reserve their greatest rancor for stuffing.


Husband: *snoring*

Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP

Husband: What the hell?

Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?


When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.


I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.