@DanMentos

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

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@pixelatedboat

“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not

@DirtMcTurd

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

@NamestartswithZ

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

@Prero22

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

@Jandalize

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

@Piecezilla

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

@bngzyface

My Roomba just acts like a drunk person trying to play it cool.

@ArfMeasures

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

@Dawn_M_

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.