Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
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I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.