GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?


SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

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My wife does this thing where she hides all my stuff but calls it, “putting them away.”


When God closes a door, He opens a window. God does not give a shit about your electric bill.


My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.


If bars don’t open soon, I’m gonna have to figure out other plans to cancel with my friends.


*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me


[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?



Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.


do you have to watch the 53 other super bowls to understand this one or is it a new storyline