GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
wtf is a larm clock?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Seems kinda suspicious
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”