Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
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1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Frog Fact: frogs have existed since time immemorial and therefore predate original sin, meaning they have no need to celebrate Easter as Christ’s death means nothing to them.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
Left the door unlocked and didn’t get murdered again.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.