General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
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*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Guantanamo Bae
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’