General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
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Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
podcasts
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”