Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

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You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.


*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?


cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use


My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.


“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.


[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.


13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.


My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen


I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.


The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them