Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.