You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them