“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
You Might Also Like
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake