@AnniemuMary

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

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@difficultpatty

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

@MelvinofYork

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

@FuckabillyRex

I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.

@Dawn_M_

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

@sloganeerist

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

@Playing_Dad

No sign has ever encapsulated my life more than the one this woman is wearing

@sammyrhodes

Watching Dora with the kids this morning. I wish her parents would just get her an iPhone.

@3sunzzz

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

@KeetPotato

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf