Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
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Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
No sign has ever encapsulated my life more than the one this woman is wearing
Watching Dora with the kids this morning. I wish her parents would just get her an iPhone.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf