Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
We’ve all been there
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Eating for two.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please