“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
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“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.