Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
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WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
i made a craigslist ad !
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this