genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me


me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

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A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer


“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?


I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren’t we helping to find them?


If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily


[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]

*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*


Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.


ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be


[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still