Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
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[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”