Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth


Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip


[Breaking and Entering]

GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open

ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy


I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.


You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.


date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine


BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered


All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…