@upsidedowntrash

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

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@3dog101

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

@doktorj

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

@sonictyrant

[Breaking and Entering]

GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open

ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy

@juliussharpe

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

@salamingia

You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.

@captainkalvis

date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine

@ElleOhHell

BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…