*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
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“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.