genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Hot Hot Hot
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.