Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
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Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
bugs when you lift up a rock
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
When I snag the last meatball.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.