@ThugRaccoons

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

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@LilyRoseLynn

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

@EvilHeart20

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

@DanMentos

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

@mrjohndarby

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

@TheAlexNevil

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

@iamburtjarvis

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

@Karate_Horse

me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you

@fuzzlime

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

@xLiserx

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.