I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
You Might Also Like
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
The only time I’ll care about Basketball: