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@FunnyBison

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

@Jayson_Two_time

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

@SketchesbyBoze

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

@SequelsWeWant

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

@daemonic3

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

@JediGigi

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

@thulnicolle

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

@markedly

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

@LeonEarlgrey

If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.