@SvnSxty

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

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@KylePlantEmoji

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

@ArfMeasures

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

@weenbeans

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

@NYC_Blonde

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

@Mormonger

When choosing baby names, we made the mistake of asking family for advice. I really liked the name “Damien” for a boy, but my mom thought it sounded too much like “Demon.” Lucky for Mom, we’re having a girl. Her name is Lucy… Short for Lucifer.

@DadandBuried

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

@1followernodad

When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.

Yell, “YOU AINT SHIT!”

@celestinelea90

90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys

@ryanqnorth

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed