“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
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COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
2: Are chickens real?
Me: No one knows.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
When choosing baby names, we made the mistake of asking family for advice. I really liked the name “Damien” for a boy, but my mom thought it sounded too much like “Demon.” Lucky for Mom, we’re having a girl. Her name is Lucy… Short for Lucifer.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.
Yell, “YOU AINT SHIT!”
90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed