Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

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“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”


COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so


*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!


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When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.



90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys


Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed