@daddydoubts

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

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@djr_102

If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.

@captainkalvis

me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please

bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know

@dznyella

me & my mentally ill friends when we complete small tasks like getting up before noon & completing an assignment

@loneblockbuster

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

@Gooooats

“One good thing about me is that I’m a great listener,” I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.

@jordan_stratton

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

@TheToddWilliams

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

@BreadFoster

Man buns: Because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie.