genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Legend 🤣🤣
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.