In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.