GENIE: i want infinity more bananas


GENIE: do u see how annoying that is

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me: will i be arrested

psychic: no

me: empty the register


just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait


My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.


Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.


Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle…


Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes


[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”


You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.


*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP