@Shen_the_Bird

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

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@Shade510

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

@ItsAndyRyan

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

@shutupmikeginn

[Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn’t help notice you were admiring my hand vests.

@hunz74

Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”

@Canadian_Cutie_

Him: do you swallow

Me: Yes

*walks away mumbling. How else do you think I eat. Idiot

@Holy_Mowgli

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

@bartandsoul

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

@WhiskeyandMeds

It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.

@yazminda12

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?