genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
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Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.