When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
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i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[first day as a train conductor]
coworker: you the new guy?
me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing
me: so far this job is off the rails
me: so what do you guys do to let off steam
coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?