@Shen_the_Bird

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

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@rachellinfox

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

@lovergirlkayy

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

@Parkerlawyer

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.

@notviking

[first day as a train conductor]

coworker: you the new guy?

me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing

coworker:

me: so far this job is off the rails

coworker:

me: so what do you guys do to let off steam

coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good

@FrenulumBreve

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”