genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
peak technology
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.