Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
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My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I was just discussing this with my cat
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”