surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.