Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

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I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.


*job interview*
so tell me a fun fact about yourself

Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh-

get the hell out


[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time


The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.


This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?


The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend


My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”