Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

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[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]


If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.


It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.


My urologist is weird.

I peed in a cup.
He drank it and said, “You’re fine.”
Then he paid me.

Don’t choose a doctor from Craigslist.


That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.


Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.


Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…



I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.


Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.