@avainwordland

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

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@MavenofHonor

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

@Mom_Overboard

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

@JimmerThatisAll

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

@Nickadoo

My urologist is weird.

I peed in a cup.
He drank it and said, “You’re fine.”
Then he paid me.

Don’t choose a doctor from Craigslist.

@realHamOnWry

That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.

@TheBeerGuy_

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

@1okhooker

I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.

@Retacof

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.