Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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Is this the real life?
Is this just
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.