Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
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this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
peep davidson
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Always leave them wanting their money back.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”