@ClickBaite

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

- @ClickBaite

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@Marlebean

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

@good2go013

How to tie the strongest knot ever:

1. Put some headphones in your pocket.
2. Wait one minute.

Ta Da !

@ItsAndyRyan

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

@junejuly12

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

@jacquiewalters

Me: *finally deciding to be productive*

Computer: I SHALL UPDATE FOR YOU NOW

@richforri

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

@Probgoblin

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

@memes_krispy

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

@carlyken

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again