[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
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Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles