[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.