Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
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They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
We need more people like this.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.