“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
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the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave