@English_Channel

genie: long time no see, ok, you have one wish left

Geppetto: I want a real boy

genie:??? what happened to the other 2 you wished for?

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@CranalBeads

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

@Robert_Beau

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

@comotethomas

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

@MaraWritesStuff

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

@dshack8

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

@aotakeo

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide