Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

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When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”


My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.


*ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work*
“Big mac please”
“Would u like LIES with that?!”
*my boss dragging me away*


*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied


“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four


Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?


Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.