When someone favorites instead of retweeting me I comfort myself by thinking “they’re just keeping me to themselves”
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
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he’s so proud of his haul.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
*ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work*
“Big mac please”
“Would u like LIES with that?!”
*my boss dragging me away*
“LIES, LUCY.. LIES!”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …