Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
You Might Also Like
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I am never leaving this website
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Well, this explains it:
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?