I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
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[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.