@KeetPotato

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

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@TheBigBatman

Wife left a note on the fridge it says “It’s not working, gone to my mom’s” I opened it and opened a beer, it’s cold, the fridge works fine?

@autocorrects

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

@Baldylockzzz

Look girl, all I’m saying is , if I have to choose between you and chocolate milk

Be prepared to cry

@TheWeirdWorld

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

@daveexplosm

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

@RachelNoise

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

@enigmaterics

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

@lisaxy424

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

@faizziy

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

@Canadian_Cutie_

First date

*dont let him know you been stalking him

Him- so my brother just got deployed

Me: Josh or Brian?