genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

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Wife left a note on the fridge it says “It’s not working, gone to my mom’s” I opened it and opened a beer, it’s cold, the fridge works fine?


What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination


Look girl, all I’m saying is , if I have to choose between you and chocolate milk

Be prepared to cry


Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.


The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.


Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.


One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.


[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*


That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..


First date

*dont let him know you been stalking him

Him- so my brother just got deployed

Me: Josh or Brian?