genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.