@ClichedOut

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

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@Mike__Lee

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

@JustEnduring

WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.

@dadmann_walking

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

@Whatevah_Amy

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

@david8hughes

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

@GodDammitDanny

To the guy who just followed me with “Conservative, God-loving, pro-life” in his bio… are you sure you want to do this?

@dlsims01

A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.

@novicefather

[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?

@deathbybadger

SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men

HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool

SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth

HOBBITS: WOW

@hrtbps

“I have parrot-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”