Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR