GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
*seductively eats two tums*
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.