@Chumpstring

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

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@aimlessamers

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

@SyrupTishus_01

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

@Mike_Bianchi

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

@DeadLioness

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

@quikkim

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

@alanritchson

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

@TheHyyyype

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A banana will scare off most lawyers. Eat a pomegranate and every architect within a three-mile radius will shit himself.

@flashember

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*