@Chumpstring

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

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@armyVet1972

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

@jergarl

Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower.

I know that now.

@TragicAllyHere

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

@PleaseBeGneiss

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

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Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

@ChaseMit

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

@TravLeBlanc

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

@UGotMeRight

My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.

@JustMeTurtle

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.