GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
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A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
me 2 months after i graduated
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?