Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
ME: a blue one
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
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Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower.
I know that now.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
there’s an app for that
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.