GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

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English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”


It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.


Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?


Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.


*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.


Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding


An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A banana will scare off most lawyers. Eat a pomegranate and every architect within a three-mile radius will shit himself.


[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*