You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard