genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t



genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

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Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.


I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it


They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.


Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”


[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]


Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.


Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.


Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit


If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.


‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’