Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
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They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’